Hype(r) activated

So, today is December 23, 2009. Mark your calenders, because the Olympic flame hype has reached Leamington! The streets will be lined with thousands of onlookers as they wait anxiously to see... someone dressed in all white jog by holding a glorified stick with a little fire on it...

Let's turn back the clock a little bit here... (insert wavy flashback sequence)

The last time the flame was in leamington was in the mid 80's. Back then, the Olympic flame was far more hardcore... let me explain. "the eternal flame" actually burned constantly, for years and years the fire never went out. It was a symbol for worldwide competition of the best athletes in the world. It united countries who would otherwise be at odds. It would have been an honour to be entrusted with carrying such an eternal symbol.

Ok, flashback to the present...

The "eternal flame" just like most other things in our generation is nothing more than a big publicity stunt. They choose a few important people from each town that get to carry it, then the fire is PUT OUT, and driven to the next destinaiton, where there are more camera's to catch the action.

I watch TSN every morning, and they always have a section on where the flame had been the previous day...you can track it online as well. They show clips of people carrying it, and a map with the towns it visited. "and we're all back there going...yeah fine, just get me where it says on the ticket."

They have this idea in Leamington...they'll have someone important have the flame on...wait for it... a tomato harvester, while the mayor drives it through town. REALLY!? What the heck does a tomato harvester have to do with the olympics? Or any sporting event for that matter?

And i've heard people talk about "all the tourist dollars that this will bring leamington!". Um...hate to break it to you pal, but the flame is here for like 45 minutes... and probably the only tourist dollars you're going to make is if one of the camera crew get a hackerin' for some 7/11 penuts.

I say we go back to the old school where the "eternal flame" never actually goes out, and it's actually RUN, not driven across the country by actual athletes a mile at a time. I bet most of our "important polititions" would be out of the running, because they can't actually run a mile straight.

Eternal flame, you've changed...you've changed for the worse.

-chuck out

Sit Down!

Julia and I are fortunate enough to get to a fair amount of sporting events each year. We go to redwings games, Tiger games, and usually a Lions game. Many things annoy me about some of the fans at these events, but there is one thing that really gets on my nerves.

At any given time during the event, you can look around your section and find people on their cell phones. Some are talking on them, others taking pictures, and still others texting. Now, I have a small issue with texting to start with...why would i punch in a tonn of buttons to try to piece together a sentence, when i could just call the person? But that is a blog for another time...

Now if it were up to me, people wouldn't even have their phones on during a game. You just spent like $100 to watch this game...you don't need to call your Friend to talk about what you are missing in this weeks episode of Smallville. There are a few reasons I can sort of understand why you'd be on the phone at some point during a game...got a call that you had to take, taking pictures seems fine, and even texting a buddy who isn't at the game to make him jealous. These all seem to be fair excuses to be using your phone. But there is one thing that ticks me off more than anything else...

The guy in front of you picks up the phone, and his conversation sounds like this... "Hey man, where are you sitting?...Which section is that?...Is that near the little ceasars sign...no, i can't see you waving...stand up...what are you wearing?...what row are you in?...oh there you are!...Sweet seats man...can you see me?... I'm sitting in section 123...I'll stand up right in front of everyone while the play is going on so you can see me...can you see me?...no I'm farther to the left...no look left...I'm wearing my Jersey...no look LEFT!...I'm the guys waving...you see me?...AWSOME!!!...we can see each other...alright,well, see you Monday!"

Seriously guys?! You need to waste your time trying to find a friend, who's somewhere in the stadium, and stand up right in front of me waving!? And for what? So that on Monday you can talk about how awesome it was looking across the stadium at each other? These people need to get a life! And it's not like it's only happened once...i see it multiple times every time i go to a game.

People need to check their lives out!

-chuck out

P.S. - does everyone else also feel like they are smarter than the average person?

Perhaps you too have had some of these same thoughts:

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- I would rather attempt to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but sometimes there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-chuck out

Rule # 1

You know how hockey has unspoken rules that govern how players are allowed to fight, such as: no sticks, no gloves, no helmets, no kicking, fight ends when 1 player goes down, and we do not speak about fight club. Ok, I made that last one up, but you get my drift.

NHL's Unspoken rules must stay unspoken because the NHL can't look like they condone fighting by saying "this is how you should fight". But at the same time, they want it in the game because the fans love it. So instead their is an unwritten code of rules that fighters must follow, so that fighting stays in the game, but they can also avoid injury.

The NHL has basically banned bench brawls...which is unfortunate, but there is still hope to see dozens of players clear benches and throw down...in baseball.

In light of the recent activity in baseball...ie: the tigers bench clearing brawl with the red sox, I thought it might be nice to write out some ground rules for baseball fights, because let's face it...a lot of baseball players suck at fighting...it's rare to see a good fight. Sure, benches clear a dozen times per season, but it normally ends with teams just running out there at full speed, slowing to a walk, and yelling once they get close enough to the other team.

So here are my proposed rules to make baseball fights awesome!

#1 - If a pitcher is going to intentionally hit a batter, and the batter charges the mound, the pitcher must meet him at the mound. Too many times i've seen pitchers who look tough when they throw a 95 mph fastball at a guys ribs, but when he comes for payback, they high tail it to the outfield hoping that one of the other players on the field will be able to stop him before he's caught. Basically if you have the balls to hit a guy, you better have the balls to stay and fight.

#2 - Catchers have one opportunity to get in on the action. They must catch the batter BEFORE he gets to the mound. After a batter is hit, the catcher can at that point make sure the batter doesn't get to the mound. If the batter gets away clean, and makes it to the mound, the catcher has an unfair advantage with his extra padding, and therefore must let the fight at the mound take place. I realize that catchers feel like they have to protect their pitcher, but like i said before, if the pitcher is going to hit the batter, he better also take the consequences like a man.

#3 - We all know that bench clearing brawls are always taken to the next level when the bullpens also get involved. So rule #3 is that the bullpens should always be ready. These guys should be ruthless... just think about the concept... a bunch of guys sitting in a caged area with nothing to do except think of ways to get at the other team, should the opportunity arise.

So this is a good start...there are probably more sweet rules we could add, but lets start small and work our way up from there.

-chuck out

p.s. look out xfl next season xlb makes it debut!

Baby Duck Hat

Awhile Back I wrote a blog that fetured quotes from Mitch Hedberg. At the time i figured he was the king of one liners. Until i discovered Jack Haney. This guy is hilarious. I have heard his name over the years, but never realized how many awsome jokes he has!

Be carefull about reading this blog while you are at work though...because you WILL laugh out loud, and you co-workers WILL think you are crazy.

Here are some of my favorites from Jack Haney:


To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, ‘Injection? I thought you said `inspection’.’ They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I’d try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, ‘Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I’m telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.

Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”

“Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.”

“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”

“If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say”

“Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.


-chuck out

Do you believe?

If the T.V is on in our house, 90% of the time we are tuned into either tsn, or tsn2. Julia and I both love watching sports. The problem with only really watching 2 stations is that we have to see a lot of the same commercials over and over again. Especially because both the stations we watch air the same commercials. Normally it's not a big issue, but lately there are 2 commercials that have really gotten under my skin.

1. The Vancouver 2010 commercials:

Most of the time commercials become annoying only after watching them like 10 times, and you become sick of them. This one was an exception to that rule. The first time i saw it, I was immediately angry with it. Part of the reason for this was because when i saw it the first time it was 14 months until the start of the Olympics. 14 Months!. I knew i would have to endure over a year of re-runs of this crappy spot. Let me explain the commercial for those of you living in a hole...

There are actually several versions of the same commercial, but it's basically the same thing with different kids. The premise of the commercial is a bunch of different kids talking (in high pitched annoying voices) about the upcoming Olympics. They are all in difference scenes doing things like playing hockey, standing on a ski hill, in front of the Ottawa Parliament ect. They each say things like "Canadian athletes are winning big time on the world stage" "Canada wins the games", "do you believe" ect. The stupidest comment out of them all is "there's an Olympian in all of us". What does that even mean? The 40 year old fat guy sitting on his couch is some sort of Olympian? no...he's not. It's useless, mindless jargin...just like the rest of the commercial.

What would make this commercial awesome is if while saying "there's an Olympian is all of us" they had a shot of angry beavers chasing said fat guy while he's trying desperately to learn how to work cross country ski's. Now THAT is Canadian!

#2 Tim Horton's "wrap man" commercial:

This commercial makes me more and more upset every time i see it. It doesn't help that it's on EVERY SINGLE time my hockey game goes to a commercial break.

This commercial features 2 men in an office setting discussing which one of them is "wrap man". One has a nameplate for his desk, and the other an office key card...both with the name "wrap man". At the climax of the commercial..."wrapgirl" walks by. I know, i can hardly contain my excitment!

Let's get something straight. Wraps are not manly. They are in fact the opposite of manly. So don't try to pass off "wrap man" as some sought after superhero title. Wrapman is not tough. He's a wuss that needs a kick in the junk (if there's anything even there). If you actually ordered a wrap for lunch, you should be eating it in the bathroom stall out of sheer embarrassment.

The only thing that would save this horrible commercial would be if right near the end, the office linebacker showed up and hammered everyone.

*note - the office linebacker does not eat wraps. And if he did, I would say nothing...

-chuck out

like taking candy...

So my Friends, today i just earned a free large coffee with just cream.

How did i do that you ask? Well it certainly wasn't by winning roll up the rim. I'm batting .000 on that front this year. I plan to bounce back next year...

No, today i made a bet that i cannot lose. You see, i am a tigers fan, and my friend jon is a...well he normally only likes whoever is good at the time, but he lives in TO so we'll call him a half hearted jays fan. We have made a wager that when the tigers finish the season with more wins...i get a coffee.

This bet is not only about which team is better, but it boils down to which one of us has the greater baseball knowledge. If I wanted a challenge, I'd put together a puzzle that only has 2 pieces. But this match pails in comparison.

So, technically i earned a free coffee, but have to wait till the end of the season to collect.

-chuck out

WHO ME?

It is becoming more and more aperant that I am no longer accountable for my own actions (at least in this life). No, I can pretty much do whatever i like, and pass the blame onto someone else.

If i want to buy a house that i certainly can't afford, and buy a tonn of stuff on my credit cards that i certainly can't pay for...it's not my problem. It's the banks fault for giving me the mortgage. It's the stores fault for luring me into buying stuff with their advertising campaings. It's the credit cards fault for charging me so much interest that i can't possibly make anymore than the minimum payments. I should not have to pay back any of this money. Someone who only bought what they could afford should pay for my house and stuff for me.

If i Decide i want to take up smoking, i will certainly do so...years later when i develop lung cancer, it's the cigarette company's fault for not putting big enough warnings on their packaging. It's the governments fault for letting me smoke in the first place. I can now sue for millions because of this lung cancer that i don't deserve to have.

If i decide i want to use a knife, and behead someone while riding a bus in manitoba...i can certainly do that. I should not be called a criminal for this because it was the voices in my head telling me to do it. I had a rough upbrining. My parents didn't love me. I was told by God to do it. All i need is for someone to pay attention to me. Nevermind the family of the person i beheaded, i am the one that needs help. And forget prison for life, or the electric chair, put me in a nice mental instatution, and let me out in a year.

Do we not see what this society is doing to itself!!!!

-chuck out

free agent man

Let's talk Detroit Lions for a moment. The NFL free agent signing period started on friday. Now concidering the lions set a new record for worst team ever last year 0-16, they are looking to fill almost every position either through free agency or a few through the draft. That being said, any free agents that are any good, don't want to come to Detroit. And who can blame them...i mean 0-16 season last year doen't offer much hope for the upcoming season. Especially when Detroit makes every good player look average. Sure, we can offer them more money, but so can teams that won like 3-6 games last season. And a team that won a few games last season has a way better chance to make the playoffs this year.

There are really only 2 types of free agents that the Lions will be able to attract (and we'll have to overpay for either one)

1. The older veteran that has overstayed his welcome in the league. This is a guy who you may recognize his name from 5-7 years ago, but his play has stedily declined for the last couple seasons. He comes to Detroit for one last big paying contract, because no other team will take him. He's probably also very injury prone. I tend to want to stay away from these guys...cough culpepper cough ect.

2. The younger player who has been in the leauge maybe 3 years. He has been a back-up in his position for his whole career, and has a hunger to be a starting player in the NFL. He comes ot the Lions because of the pay, but also because a second string player on any other team could certainly become a starter for an 0-16 team. This group of men shows more promise than the first, but you really have to get lucky for them to end up earning their contract. But they do have a good work ethic and drive to better themselves. aka the CB we just got from the Titans.

So far the Lions have picked up:
2 corner backs
1 Running back
1 wide reciever




P.S. - we almost landed Jay Cutler in a trade...it fell through (after all we are talking about the LIONS front office) but holy smokes...that would have been awsome. Here's hoping they can still get a deal done

-chuck out

The KKK?...really?

PETA has done it again. Before you read this blog, please read this article first.

I'm not even sure where to start on this one... Do i start with the fact that PETA is protesting at a place where everyone there is a huge animal lover? Or perhaps the fact they are not protesting animal cruelty necessarily, but more breeding habits that are designed to help animals avoid health problems. Or maybe...just maybe i should start with the fact they are making a mockery of the fact that black people were actually tortured and killed for no other reason than their skin colour.

Yeah, maybe I'll start with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first to realize that black people in general play the race card far too often, for no reason. But here is a situation where playing the race card would be extremely warranted. I mean comparing animal breeding to hate filled lynchings is preposterous! First off, let's recognize that animals are not as important than people. And second, breeding and hanging are opposite things.

I can't even produce a decent blog because I'm so stunned that someone would have the balls to actually do something like this. I'm at a loss for words.

Stupid PETA

-chuck out

fun facts

Here are some fun facts that you might not have known about. I obviously already knew about them, which speaks to the fact that my knowledge is far superior to yours. Or I just looked them up on a website.

-women blink nearly twice as much as men.

There have been many studies done to find out why this is. No one knows for sure, but there are different theories out there...here's mine. I figure somewhere deep down in a man's subconscious, there is the feeling of having to "tough it out". Your body wants to blink sooner, but something inside is saying "no man, don't do it. You can hold out a little while longer"

-The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

And no, i'm not going to type it for you. And who the heck has time to come up with a word that long!?

-hot and ready pizza's were thought up directly by God.

Ok, this may not be a solid "fact", but I'll give you my theory. God loves us humans so much that despite our short comings he wanted to find yet another way to bless us. So He thought up $5 hot and ready pizza's. Now He needed to choose how to implement this new strategy. Since God clearly loves the Red wings more than any other NHL team, and Since Mike Ilitch owns both the red wings, and little ceasers... God gave the hot and ready's to little ceasers. Again, this is just a theory.

-In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

Apparetly studies have found that 10:10 is one of the most soothing looking times. Now i'm not sure, but i would bet it was a government funded study that found this out. Taking probably 50-100 thousand dollars of taxpayers money.

-The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."

He was obviously on some sort of drug at the time also... I mean seriously, flying monkeys...that's just ludicrous.

-The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

I'm probably not allowed to say "secretary" anymore. I believe they prefer to be called administrative assistants. But then again, when have i ever cared what other people think.

-Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Al Capone would be the type of criminal now adays that would film his own crime, send the video to the police with his own return address on it, and a note that said "try to prove it". The guy was so smart, he was basically untouchable. Except apparently he wasn't so good at math...

-There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Every single golf ball i've ever used has had only 335 dimples, thus making it out of balance, so when i swing it has a nasty slice. The slice is clearly the fault of the defective golf ball. Don't believe me? Then count the dimples on my ball.

-chuck out

Man, this global warming is really making me cold!

I am always blown away at how easy it is to sway the general public's view in a certain direction. Take global warming for example... whether you beleive it or not is irrelivant. (even though it's a hoax). What's amazing is how fast it becomes the biggest issue disscust by the general public. In 2003 global warming didn't exsist...or at least we haden't ever heard of it. Then, some polititians go on the news backed by a bunch of scientists saying it's going to destroy the earth. The next day...everyone believes the world is going to end unless we do something drastic fast!

Are we that stupid as a society that we belive anything that a democratic polition tells us on TV? "i saw it on TV, so it must be true". Maybe back in the day the news that was reported could be trusted...but that day is long past. The sooner we all realize that, the better off we'll be.

And another thing...we are setting records all over the country for new low temperatures hit...as well as average temperatures for december and now january. So..my prediction...global cooling! Heads up everyone, because an ice-age is upon us unless we start driving our cars more! Everyone go out and get a huge gas guzzling SUV, or else we are all doomed!

Someone better tell Al Gore that we need a new documentary made...and fast. Before it's too late!

-chuck out