the late great

I was thinking yesterday about some of the great comedians that i enjoy listening to. Sure, obviously jerry sienfeld is there. I also don't mind dane cook now and then, and even some redneck humour with the blue collar guys is good.

But when i think of some really original, "different" comedy, i think of one name. The late great Mitch Hedberg.

I'd like to share a few of mitch's jokes in my blog today. For those of you who haven't ever heard mitch, let me explain a few things. Mitch does not do a nice flowing comedy show. He only gets on stage and does one-liners, none of which flows to the next. And you have to understand that mitch is almost always baked during his show. His speach is slow and slurred, and he can hardly stand.

Ok here are a few of my favorites from mitch. (they are cleaned up for content as i miantain a pg rating on this blog...until i decide otherwise)

-I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

-An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an
Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

-Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

-Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

-I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

-I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

-I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

-I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

-I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

-I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

- was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

-I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

-I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

-If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

-It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


Thanks Mitch